Tales of Caladbolg
by EdgeNinja
Summary: The story of Tidus and how hard it is to obtain the Caladbolg (Tidus' Ultimate Weapon). He does those crappy chocobo mini-games.
1. Wobbly Chocobo

**Tales of Caladbolg**

A/N: I do not own FFX(10), although I would like to! I wrote this because getting Tidus' ultimate weapon, the Caladbolg, is soo hard!

CHAPTER 1 - Wobbly Chocobo

Tidus has just reached the Calm Lands, and he smelt the grass. He could see the plains ahead of him; and how they were destroyed, but he didn't really care. It felt so peaceful here. _This is the place that I want to stop and think of a way to save Yuna,_ He thought. He turned and looked, passing his eyes by Auron, who was standing there, as secretive as ever. His eyes met Yuna, who was laying on the ground. Tidus started walking down the slope. He saw a man riding a Chocobo.

The man looked at Tidus and spoke, "Lost? Follow me to Bevelle."

Tidus replied, "No thanks, just came from Bevelle."

The man looked away, and continued riding. He stopped in front of Wakka and said, "Lost? Follow me to Bevelle."

Wakka looked with confusion at Tidus, who shrugged. "Uh, no. I'm with him, ya?" He pointed to Tidus.

Once again the rider continued walking down the road, and stopped at Yuna and spoke once again, "Lost? Follow me to Bevelle."

Yuna looked and replied, "Um, no. I came from there with everyone here. We are a summoner and guardians on a pilgramage."

The rider seemed to ignore her words and moved on. He stopped in front of Auron, who seemed annoyed. "Lost? Follow me to-"

Auron cut him off, "Shut up, and go to Bevelle. We are not interested in following you, so move on."

The chocobo rider seemed unfazed by Auron's words, and continued down to Rikku.

"Um, no. I'm not lost." Rikku said before he could say anything.

"Lost? Follow me to Bevelle." He spoke.

"Shut up!" Rikku said, and she swiftly mugged the Chocobo Rider for 400 gil! The rider seemed not to care. They all stared as the rider reached the path to Bevelle. When he got there, he did a U-turn and started walking back to the Calm Lands.

"What's this?" Tidus asked anyone, but directed it mostly towards Lulu.

"An Al Bhed rest area." Lulu swiftly replied.

"Oh." Tidus said, glancing at Wakka. Tidus moved towards the Save Point, and it lit up in a water-like way.

Tidus noticed a person on another Chocobo. He was curious as to whether or not all Chocobo riders were going to Bevelle, so he walked up to her.

"Hey, miss." Tidus said, "That's a pretty tame Chocobo. You going somewhere?"

"Thanks. But no, I'm not going anywhere." She replied, and out of nowhere started to explain a chocobo's usage, "We use chocobos to traverse the Calm Lands without encountering fiends. Want to ride one my trained ones?"

Tidus thought to himself, and answered, "Can I train one?"

"Sure." She said, "By the way, my names trainer."

_Trainer? Oh-kaay... _Tidus thought to himself, but not to be rude, he replid, "Tidus. Pleased to meet ya'!"

Trained set up here chocobo to stand perfectly still on one side and stood on the other.

"Try and navigate the chocobo between me and my **prized 1st Place **chocobo." Trainer instructed.

_Why does she always have to rub it in?_ Tidus thought. "Alright." Tidus said in reply to the instructions.

"Also, try not to destroy these balloons I set up as guidelines, they cost gil at that Al Bhed shop!" Trainer said.

"Righto!" Tidus replied, eager to start training.

"3...2...1...Go!" Trainer counted down.

Tidus's chocobo zoomed fast ahead, leaving Tidus breathless.

_Sweet! I've never felt anything so exhilirating!_ Tidus thought in the first few seconds of riding. Then the madness kicked in. The chocobo swerved right and left, and Tidus was struggling to keep it steady. Tidus was almost flung right off the bird, as it made a sharp turn. Tidus crossed the finish line.

"Great, you crossed the finish line!" Trainer said, "I marked you at 13.7 seconds... try again, to get 12.8 seconds!"

"Are you kidding me!" Tidus said, holding his head, "I already have a concussion!"

"Hey!" Trainer snapped, "You want to train a chocobo, or did I spend 188 gil on balloons for nothing! Or are you a wuss and can't handle riding a **bird**! It's just a **bird**! A harmless **bird**!"

"Hey!" Tidus replied, angrily, "I'll show you! Nobody calls me a wuss!"

"OK! 3...2...1...Go!" Trainer counted down, again.

Tidus zoomed of once again. He was experiencing the same zig-zags of the first ride, only it felt his brain was melting into his bones. He felt like he was going to blow chunks...

Tidus, in his illness, accidentally kicked the chocobo. It felt this kick and ran even faster than before, and Tidus felt his head about to rip off.

His chocobo crossed the finish line.

"Good, you crossed it!" Trainer said, "I clocked you at 12.9 seconds... try harder."

"I want the creme filled cookies, mommy," Tidus said after his head got banged around, "And I want daddy dead...!"

"Uh, Tidus?" Trainer asked him, "You OK?"

Tidus shook his head, trying desperatly to regain his sanity, "Yeah... fine."  
"You got a 12.9... try harder." She said.

Silent, and staring into her eyes, with a smirk on his face, he asked, "Come again?"

"You got a 12.9, do it over." She replied, "1 millasecond off."

His face did not change, smirk was still on his face, "You kidding...?"

She shook her head. Tidus had to stop himself from pulling out the Brotherhodd, and slicing her head off. _Can't she make an exception? Does she always have to be so bitchy?_ Tidus thought to himself.

"Ready? 3...2...1... Go!" She counted down once again.

This time, Tidus had control over his chocobo. He was determined to win. He did not want any further brain damage done to himself. His chocobo flew across the course, and ran perfectly.

He crossed the finish line.

"Awesome! I clocked you at 2.9 seconds!" Trainer said, gleefully.

"YES!" Tidus screamed out, "AWESOME! YEAH! BRING ON THE PAIN! BRING IT ON!"

He looked at his party. expecting to see smiling faces, and congratulations. Instead, he saw his teammates staring at him in blatant concern.

"What?" Tidus asked, "Is there food on my face?" Tidus wiped his cheek.

"No, we just thought you went crazy again, ya?" Wakka replied.

"No, I just won the chocobo gam- excuse me? Again?" Tidus said, confused.

"Um... no, I just meant..." Waka said confused. Wakka remained silent, looking at the other guardians for backup. He recieved none. He stayed silent, and finally said one word, "...ya?"

"Are you ready for this next training session?" Trainer said, "Dodger Chocobo."

"Dodger Chocobo... what is.. that...?"

A smirk appeared over her face. "Oh... not a big deal...?" She snickered.

A/N: Ya... getting Caladbolg is so hard... Chapter 2 is about Dodger Chocobo... yeah... I'm still so angry about getting a **better **score than 0:00.00 to get a Sun Sigil... ugh...


	2. Dodger Chocobo

**Tales of Caladbolg**

A/N: I do not own FFX... I wonder what it would be like though... Hey, I got the Sun Sigil after yelling at the screen and waking up the neighborhood!

CHAPTER 2 - Dodger Chocobo

"Dodger Chocobo is different from Wobbly Chocobo because your Chocobo will run straight... Also, blitzballs will be pelted at you. Try to navigate through them." Trainer explained.

"Yeah, yeah... Same thing..." Tidus replied, seemingly bored of Trainer's explainations, "Let's do it already!"

"Alright then... Try and shoot for 13.3, OK?" Trainer asked.

"Whatever!" Tidus said eager to ride.

"3...2...1...GO!" Trainer counted down.

Tidus' Chocobo ran smoothly forward, in a staright line. Tidus felt like a king! He controlled the Chocobo with ease, and it would turn at his bidding. But then... A blitzball smacked him right in between the eyes!

"WHAT THE HELL!" Tidus screamed, fearing the worst. He tried to avoid another one, but failed and his Chocobo careened off course, popping a balloon.

"Dammit..." The Trainer said, under her breath.

"I'm... I'm OK... just suffering... internal brain damage." Tidus said, holding his head. Instantly another blitzball hit him in the head.

"Ah! The **pain**!" Tidus yelled out.

He guided his chocobo through a minefield of blitzballs, failing to avoid many of them. With each hit, Tidus' Intellegence stat went down (just kidding).

"Great, you crossed the finish line! I clocked you at 34.9... Try harder!" Trainer said, dissapointed.

"You! You are twisted lady!" Tidus screamed, letting his anger out, "No more! No more of this!"

"Come." Auron said calmly, "Gagazet's peaks await our arrival."

"Anything to get away from her!" Tidus said, running toward the exit.

"Don't worry... you'll come crawling back..." Trainer said.

"Spira's sorrow... blah blah... (whatever she says)... hope..." Yunalesca explained in a _long, boring_ speech.

_When is she going to shut up!_ Tidus thought to himself, _But hey, she's hot... I could look at her for the next hour or so..._

"Now is the time to shape your stories! Fall now and be free of pain, or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to choose..." Auron yelled out in a rather cool line, yet Tidus wasn't listening.

_Man, I want to so prove that Trainer lady wrong! I can beat her crappy time!_ Tidus' thoughts trailed on.

"Kimahri protect Yuna..." Kimahri said his line.

_Hehehe... I'll show her! Wait, what are we doing now? Oh yeah, fighting Yunalesca..._ Tidus thought, _Umm... come on Tidus! Say something cool..._

"Yuna! This is our story! Let's see it through together!" Tidus said his cool line.

_Oh yeah! I probably scored some points for that one!_

Tidus and the gang returned to the Calm Lands, Wakka, Auron and Kimahrim to cath fiends, Yuna, Lulu and Rikku to talk about stuff (probably Tidus...), and Tidus' goal... To prove the trainer lady wrong!

"Well well well... If it isn't Tidus!" Trainer said, "You come to prove me wrong?"

"Let's do this!" Tidus said, sure he could win.

"Righty then... 3...2...1...GO!" Trainer counted down once more.

Tidus' Chocobo sped up, and he dodged blitzballs like a pro. He dodged so many, that he almost reached the finish line until... A blitzball zoomed at high speeds into Tidus' face. Blood shot out of his nose, as his head was ricocheted backwards.

"You crossed! I clocked you at 13.2!" Trainer said with joy, "Um.. you OK?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fine." Tidus said, blood shooting down his face.

"Are you sure, because I can-" Trainer lady started to offer help.

"Oh no, I'm fine." Tidus turned around and yelled, "Yuna, get a Pheonix Down ready."

"Why?" Yuna asked.

"You'll see..." Tidus said. He collapsed, lifeless.

"Oh my Yevon!" Yuna yelled, pulling out a Pheonix Down and thorwing it on top of Tidus' body. A beam of light arose the KO'd warrior.

"Thanks..." Tidus said, weakly.

"Are you ready for the next challenge?" Trainer asked.

"There's more!" Tidus said, angry.

"Next is **Hyper** Dodger..." Trainer said, triumphantly, "You ready?"

"H..h...h...**_HYPER_**!" Tidus said, scared, "What's so 'hyper' about it?"

"You'll see..." Trainer said, smirking again.

A/N: Hehehe... he.. um, I guess next chapter Tidus get brutally mauled by birds?


	3. Hyper Dodger Chocobo

**Tales of Caladbolg**

CHAPTER 3 - Hyper Dodger Chocobo

A/N: Hey, you all been waitin' for this? Tidus getting mauled by birds? (poor guy...)

"No! No, no, no!" Tidus said, running towards Auron, "She can't make me do it!"

"So, stop annoying me, can't you see I'm fighting a Chimera Brain?" Auron said, annoyed, "Go talk to that old man." Auron pointed to a far corner of the Calm Lands where an old man stood in front of a path.

"Fine..." Tidus said, running, "But it better be interesting!"

Tidus reached the old man. He tried to look behind the guy, but he pushed Tidus back.

"Hey, no one goes past me!" The guy said, "Although I don't know what I'm guarding..."

"Then why are you guarding it?" Tidus said, confused.

The old man shrugged, "I dunno..."

"Then let me see!" Tidus said, trying to peek.

"Hey! Yevon forbids you to go through! I have to get paid too, y'know!" He said.

"You get payed for standing in front of nothing?" Tidus asked.

"I dunno..." The old man shrugged again.

"What will make you move?" Tidus asked, as if trying to make the old man fail his job.

"Something unique, interesting..." The old man yawned, "Unique..." He started snoring.

_He's sleeping? While standing up? During his job!_ Tidus thought in confusion, _Now's my chance to see what's he's guarding!_

Tidus crept behind the man, so silently you could hear a pin drop... if only all the chocobo's weren't screaming in high voices...

_What the hell?_ Tidus thought, _A glyph?_

The celestial mirror started to react.

"It's opening!" Tidus screamed, and then put his hands on his mouth. _Bad move! The old fart could wake up!_

"Hey!" He said, sanpping out of it, "What're you doin'!" The old man pulled out a gun (forbidden machina! oh no!) and pointed it a Tidus, "Slowly step away from the glyph..." He demanded.

"Oh...oh...oh kay..." Tidus said tembling, "No need for...(Tenchi!) bloodshed!"

"Go on... get!" The old man pointed to another corner of the Calm Lands, "And never come back!"

Tidus ran back to the chocobo lady.

"He's even more psycho then you!" Tidus remarked.

"That's my husband." Trainer lady said in dismay.

"Eep! Sorry!" Tidus said.

"It's OK... I'm divorcing him anyway." Trainer said.

"Oh... sorry to hear." Tidus said, confused, _No wonder they're getting divorced! He's an old Yevonite and she's an Al Bhed Chocobo Trainer!_

"No problem... Hey, how about some **Hyper **Dodger Chocobo to warm things up?" Trainer suggested.

_Is she hitting on me?_ Tidus thought, disgusted, "Uhh... OK, yeah, sure!"

"Ok... 3...2...1...GO!" Trainer counted **_again_**.

Tidus drove his chocobo forward. He noticed a blitzball fire into the air. _Ha, complete miss!_ Tidus thought. But no, was he wrong. The lone blitzball seperated into 8 different blitzballs and rained down on Tidus and his chocobo.

"Ahh! What happened!" Tidus yelled.

Then the worst happened. A bird flew towards him.

"Oh crap, I'll hit that bird!" Tidus said, careening to the side, but to no avail. The bird's beak hit Tidus right on the nose! (ouch!) Yet, the bird flew up, unfazed. Then, a second bird flew out of nowhere and attacked the chocobo. The chocobo screeched in pain.

"My god! You're **_trying_** to kill me!" Tidus said, after recovering from a blitzball to bird combo.

A couple of more blitzballs and birds later...

"You crossed the finish line! I clocked you at.. err... 3:21:01... try better?" She forcibly chuckled.

Blood dripping out of his nose, Tidus stared at the Trainer. Just stared. This went on for a minute until Tidus spoke, "Excuse me?"

"You got a 3:21:01..." Trainer replied.

_Keep cool, Tidus... Resist the urge to use Blitz Ace on her!_ Tidus struggled with his anger.

"I can beat that!" Tidus replied, optimistic as ever.

"3...2...1...GO!" Trainer counted once more.

Tidus managed to slip through a shower of blitzballs and a couple of birds, but then his luck stat went down! (better use some luck spheres Tidus!) Birds pushed his chocobo which way and that, and Tidus lost control of it. A bird hit Tidus' side, and another bird knocked him clean off his chocobo. He was continually hit iwth birds and blitzballs.

"Stop it! You're _killing_ him!" Yuna screamed out, running up to the downed Tidus, "Are you OK?"

"Yuna... I... I... wish we could've gone to Zanarkand..." He coughed, "And eat pizza, go to night clubs, and piss Auron off by drinking whatever he keeps in his jug..."

"We can still go!" Yuna cried out.

"Sorry..." Tidus said, his body going limp.

10 minutes later...

"How long are you going to keep him like that?" Rikku asked Yuna, and pointed to Tidus, still on the floor.

"Oh my! I forgot! Life!" Yuna casted the spell.

Tidus got up. Silently, he walked up to the trainer lady. He grabbed the stopwatch, opened it up, and set it to a time of 0:00:00.

"Um... you didn't cross the finish line..." Trainer said, grabbing the stopwatch back.

"That's my score." Tidus said, pulling out the Brotherhood, "Unless you want to see my Brotherhood up close and personal?"

"Uh... OK! You.. you got... a 0:00:00...! Let me jot it down..." Trainer said trembling.

Tidus walked back the the Al Bhed rest shop, "We spend the night!"

Auron walked up to him, with a confused look.

"Oh sorry. That was your line." Tidus said to Auron.

A/N: Wow... Tidus got real depressed from those birds! Tune in next time for the dramatic (yeah right) finale of Tales of Caladbolg!


End file.
